Motherhood - Show Me the Funny! Nickelodeon's NickMom #motherfunny

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Do you ever think about how your life has changed since you had kids? I know, right? Who has time for thinking? But never fear! Check out the MotherFunny at Nickelodeon's NickMom.com - they do all the thinking for you!

(Ahhh yes. Peeing alone. With the door closed. *Bliss*)

Remember when you could take a shower with the bathroom door closed? And step out into a cozy warm steamy room? Yeah. Me neither.

Synopsis of a shower, before kids:

Turn on water. Get undressed. Leisurely wash and condition everything. Rinse. Step out into pleasantly steamy bathroom. Dry off. Get dressed.

Synopsis of a shower, after kids: 

Try and get up without waking the toddler. Fail. 
Lay down with snuggly toddler until I absolutely have to get up to have a remote chance at getting ready in time. 
Get toddler and big sister set up with breakfast and a show. 
Get undressed. Hear "Moooom! MoOooOOOOm!" I swear, it's like they can HEAR the air being displaced as I gently close the bathroom door!
Traipse through house nekkid to retrieve what is apparently the most important crayon in the world, which fell impossibly far away... right under her feet. 
Go back to bathroom. Turn on water. Hear "Screeeee! STOP IT! MOOOOM!" It doesn't matter how well the kids are getting along. The moment you step into the shower, it's "poke your sister" time!
Throw chocolate at them to shut them up and get them to stop poking each other long enough to get into the actual shower. 
Attempt to get through shower routine at lightening speed. I don't need to wash my hair and face the same day, right?
Get interrupted at least three times with requests to open things that could totally have waited 5 minutes, take lids off pens, and reassure the toddler that I am in fact still there and haven't scarpered off to Mexico. (Tempting though...) 
Step out into steamless, now-freezing, bathroom with open door. 
Discover towel has been carted off to mop up cat barf. Use Dadda's stanky towel.
Start getting dressed. And learn that glasses and phone are no longer on the toilet tank where I left them... And why is the cat wearing my new bra?

Wait, there are places you can go that make the food for you?

How about going out to eat? Kids haven't affected that at all, right? *snort* Now I can't go to a restaurant with candles on the table without spending the whole evening in terror of all the nearby potential flammables. Where is the closest emergency exit again..? And I always tip 20-30%, calculated based on the radius of food and water spilled around our table.

Who am I kidding? Between the cost of diapers, replacing outgrown wardrobes every 3 days, and $13 macaroni and cheese that they won't even eat, I can't even afford a sit-down restaurant!

Herding Turtles

I used to be able to get so much more stuff done in a day. Running errands with kids is like riding unicorns and dancing on rainbows. It's an impossible fantasy. Only with more yelling. And bribery.

Before becoming a parent, I got to shop at higher-end establishments. And malls without kiddie play areas! Now, I can't even name three! Plus, I had time to try stuff on. Now going to Target is a thrill!

Before vs After

Before kids: I was able to put two thoughts together to form a coherent... umm... thingy.

After kids: Attention span of a Ooh! Shiny!

Before kids: Having intelligent adult conversations. With actual adults. 

After kids:  Adult interactions usually include "Would you like fries with that?"

Before kids: Deciding what color to paint the bedroom walls.

After kids: Can't spit without hitting a surface covered in pen markings (or spit...)

Before kids: Spontaneity.

After kids: Having to coordinate "couple time" between night wakings.

Before kids: The house was clean.

After kids: Everything is now sticky, stained, and/or moist. 

Before kids: Saw movies the same decade they were released (in the theater, even!) 

After kids: I can't even follow a TV series week to week. I still don't know who won "So You Think You Can Dance!" (Shhh! No spoilers!)

Before kids: I was lucky if I could match my lips to my nails.
After kids: I'm lucky if I can find a lipstick that isn't smashed into the lid... or half-eaten.

Before kids: Took zillions of pictures of my cats. 

After kids: What cats? Do we even HAVE cats anymore? 

Before kids: Going to a salon to get my hair done.

After kids: "Ack! Where did you get those scissors?!"

Before kids: "It's a bit chilly. Good thing I have my sweater."
After kids: "I told you to wear your jacket! *sigh* Here. You can wear mine."

Before kids: Mmm. Getting to eat food while it was still warm!
After kids: Yay, sandwich crusts! I finally get to eat!

Before kids: I could eat grapes and peanuts and popcorn whenever I wanted.
After kids: *please don't choke please don't choke please don't choke*

Before kids: Didn't appreciate the true value of privacy.

After kids: Can't get a pelvic exam without a rapt audience getting out the popcorn to sit and watch. (It's a good thing the doctor knows CPR...)

Before kids: I used to be able to eat my own food without having to share. (Broccoli doesn't count!)

After kids: Now that I need caffeine the most, I have to order decaf, in case of sneaky little drink-thieves!

 

Before kids: I used to get to be selfish. I read some touching saying about how a mother is someone who, when faced with 5 people but only 4 slices of pie, says "I wasn't really in the mood for pie." 
After kids: Forget that! I want the damn pie! (But it's easier to be selfless when you remember that the little one can't eat a whole slice by herself anyway...)

Before kids: I could leave feminine hygiene products out on the shelf. 

After kids: Underpants band-aids and tampon rockets. 

Before kids: "AAAAAAAAUGH! A spider!" 

After kids: "Oh look! Worms! How... nice!" Now I have to pretend to like creepy little things.

"Can we keep them?"

Before kids: I got to wear fancy bras.

After kids: Experiencing the joy of baby blowout and/or vomit down my bra. 

Before kids: Dora, Elmo, and Barney aren't that bad. 

After kids: If I hear the "plink plink" of the Elmo's World song I have a sudden desire to go do dishes. Or stick an ice pick into my brain. 

Before kids: Master bedroom looked like any page from a Pottery Barn catalog.

After kids: "Hey! Where's my pillow?!"

Before kids: Had actual outfits.

After kids: I'm lucky if I can coordinate my shoes to match the ketchup and chocolate stains.

Before kids: *ring ring* "Hello?"

After kids: *ring ring* "Hey. Can Mama have the phone back please? Mama's turn! Hey! Where are you going? Bring that back here right now!"

Go ahead. Take it. I dare you!

Before kids: "Oh! That poor kid! Look at her mom ignoring her while she cries!"

After kids: "Is someone crying?"

So I'll leave you with just one last thought: As great as life was before kids, motherhood is... Hey! Quit licking your sister!

Check out the #motherfunny with @NickMom on Twitter  and Facebook!